He Said, She Said
by NilaSagol
Summary: After being on the wrong flight to Malaysia, Cartman and Wendy get trapped on an island with a scarecrow named WT. Cartman is very jealous that Wendy is still together with Stan and wants Wendy. Maybe Cartman will have a girlfriend for the first time? CxW
1. Intro

**_Intro_**

You know you've been screwed when you're pilot is a scarecrow named WT. First of all, I didn't want to go on this damn trip to Malaysia. Wendy, being the bitch she is, dragged me on this. All my other friends couldn't go because the flight was filled by stupid scarecrows! Now, how WT and the rest of them got reservations is weird. I thought the only job a scarecrow was supposed to do was guard crops. Oh no, these ones can move and talk. They even have names! There was no way my friends would believe me when I went back to South Park. First you would have Stan say, _"Oh wow, scarecrows can talk! How come they don't do it here?" _Then Kyle would say, _"Cartman, you're lying and scarecrows don't talk, fatass!" _Kenny would just laugh and laugh some more. Oh trust me, WT thought he was experienced and I had the feeling we were all going to die on that plane but Wendy said we would be fine.

"Wendy, the scarecrow is driving the plane." Wendy looked at me funny. "Yeah, you can go check who's driving!"

Wendy still didn't believe me. "Oh please, it's probably a pilot."

I sighed again. "Um...Did it ever occur to you that we make up less than one percent of this population? That's right. The rest is...SCARECROW!!!"

Wendy did look around to see only scarecrows. "........Wait a minute. This can't be our flight!"

I half-laughed. "Oh my god, it took you so long to figure that out!"

Wendy began scrambling through her purse. I knew we were on the wrong gate but we kept fighting over which gate to and that was nine and we're on eight. She looked at me blankly and began panicking. I knew things were going to go straight to hell.

"Ok, Wendy. Calm down, this isn't the end of the world...." She began fanning herself. "We just have to get off at the next airport..."

I sighed. "Wendy. I have the worst feeling there won't be a next time."

Wendy's eyes widened. "What do you mean?!?! WE MIGHT DIE?!?!"

I began eating my Cheesy Poofs. "Maybe. The pilot is inexperienced. Do we know any scarecrow pilots? I think not."

Wendy shuddered. "I-I should've listen to you....Damn it, now it's my fault were going to die!"

"Serves you damn right, bitch!" I yelled. "Now we're stuck in this together!"

The alarm began blaring. I knew it! Wendy owes me fifty bucks! Anyways, I could feel the plane rumbling and all the gayass scarecrows began to flip out and flip out of their seats at the same time. A bunch locked themselves in the cockpit and we began doing 360's all over the place. Then the plane started to nose dive out of control. Wendy began screaming and boy could she scream, it sounded like she truly was going to die. She held onto my hand and squeezed it so damn tight! Jeez, she could've popped a vein or something because I couldn't move it after I got it away from her.

She closed her eyes and began screaming. "I LOVE YOU STAN! I LOVE YOU! Cartman hold me!"

I shoved Wendy away. "Get off me! I don't want the person who caused my death on me! Wendy, stop it! Just stop it!

Wendy wouldn't move and that pissed me off so bad but at the same time it was kind of comforting....No wait..It pisses me off! She just broke down in front of me and I couldn't even believe it. Wendy got out of her seat and ran up and down the aisle. She was crying so hard and it was for Stan. I was so pissed off because I was...pissed off at her bitching and complaining! I'm not jealous or anything, who told you that?!?!? It's not like I hate Stan for liking Wendy, I never was mad at him! You guys watch me too much! I DON'T like WENDY!!! I just want Wendy to stop crying because it makes me nervous and it's sad, ok?

I got out of my seatbelt and got my ass up to the cockpit. Wendy saw me and ran after me, she grabbed on to me really tight. I bashed down the door to be knocked over by fifty scarecrows! How could they fit all their skinny asses in that small space? I looked at WT who just about pressing every random button to make the plane work. He just couldn't get it to work and we had lives in danger. Scarecrows began fainting and jumping out of the plane. It was so messed up.

WT panicked and began stressing out. "I wish I didn't fail out of pilotin' school! We are goin' down!"

Wendy hugged me as she looked at WT. "WT! You have to save us! we're only nine! Can you remember anything?"

I growled. "This is all your damn fault! The pilot was coming and we took off without him!"

Wendy looked at me. "Hey! That pilot was woman, Cartman! Girls can be pilots too!"

I got in Wendy's face. "Pilots are supposed to men! Since when did girls have a say in that?!?! I should've voted against that!"

Wendy grabbed my collar. "It isn't always about men! Women have a say almost everything and they can get the same job a man can have!"

I pushed her off of me. "Don't grab me, slut! You're smart Wendy, fix the damn plane that's about to kill us!"

WT realized that the wheel was broken. "......We're gonna die fo' sure, kids!!! WE GONNA DIE!"

I grabbed WT by his red bandanna. "WT! You pull yourself together, we're going to land this thing! The other wheel isn't broken over there, you need to make an emergency landing. You need to get the plane to land in the water. I'm not dying now, so, save the plane!"

WT got up. "Alright. I'll give it a try but do understand, I don't 'member much of my pilotin' days. I could kill us all but alright."

Wendy and I clung to each other, ewww...I got slut germs all over me! Goddamn it! WT made a hard right turn with both damaged wings. The plane began shaking out of control to the point where I was scared. It seemed like any minute would be the last time I would be heard again. All I remember was seeing the back of the plane with no one on it. Every last scarecrow jumped out the plane and the back broke off with fire and grinding metal falling out the sky. All I remember before everything went dark was just seeing the goddamn ocean before me and looking into Wendy's light blue eyes that were full of baby tears. She was screaming but it was in slow mo, I only heard WT cursing and the alarm blaring even louder as we crashed loudly and every thing went black.

We didn't make it to Malaysia. Is this what hell looks like because it smells like seawater and shit mixed together. Eww, Wendy is right next to me and I'm....touching her BOOBS?!?!? I am in hell but I just can't see!!! Goddamn it! I hate fucking vacations!

All I knew if that we were stranded on an island....It's Cartman for himself, not Wendy, or WT. CARTMAN is always first! I matter more than they do.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1- "Where The Hell Are We?"**

I spit out sand as I opened my eyes to see the beach. We had washed up on some kind of island. I looked around to only see the wrecked plane and WT tanning himself. Wendy was nowhere to be found. I got up quickly and began shouting for Wendy, I knew the damn bitch would be the one to get lost but at the same time we needed to fine her because we're all survivors. I continued calling Wendy as WT got up to go look for shelter and food. For a scarecrow he was hella cool. He knew all about survival because he got stranded a lot in the army but it was never on an island. So, basically we have dumb, dumber, and dumber on the island. WT began bringing back sticks as I still called for Wendy.

"WENDAAAY! WENDAAAAY! Goddamn it, answer me!" I shouted. "WT! Drop the stupid sticks, we have to find Wendy first!"

WT agreed. "You're right, Cartman. Best we find her first before somethin' bad happens to her."

I looked at WT. "Where do you think she went? Man, I'm so worried about her. What if she didn't make it or something?"

WT laughed. "You sure worry a lot about Wendy. You got a crush on her, Cartman? Sounds like you do."

I glared. "Eric Theordore Cartman doesn't fall in love! I hate Wendy! I hate her feminist ass! I can't stand it when she gets her hands on female topic! She'll go on and on and on for--"

I heard rustling nearby as Wendy popped out of the bushes. "Go on about what, Cartman? Were you talking about me?"

I stopped stiff. "No...It wasn't about you, bitch! It was about how I miss my chicken pot pie and cheesy poofs!"

Wendy just sighed. "You're always so mean, Cartman. I know that you aren't like that all the time. Why aren't you nice to me?"

I sighed heavily. "Because...In politics you would be my enemy...Feminists bitch too much!"

Wendy glared at me. "There you go again, you piece of lard! You always do that too me!"

I was going to nail her. "Wendy, you do realize you have gotten you're boobs done before, right? That's slutty behavior, young lady."

WT's eyes went wide open. "The hell?!?!? She went under the knife?!?!? That be illegal!"

I began laughing. "WT, you haven't lived in South Park, Colorado to know that anything goes over there. You can do whateva you want!"

Wendy growled. "I was only jealous of Bebe! Cartman if I ran for political office you would trash me in the tabloids!"

I laughed so hard I was on the ground still laughing. Of course she's right. I would trash Wendy so she wouldn't be a threat to my politician status. I have so much dirt on that girl, I could write a book about it but she would kill me. Oh well, I'd still publish it to humiliate Wendy because I hate her guts and her bitchy self. Wendy glared at me as I pulled her pink barree and began running around the island with it. She chased after me as I threw it on the ground and sat on it. She was mega pissed and decided to take my Megaman action figures away. Ey! That's not fair! Those are my Megaman action figures! I saved up for those with my own money!

"Wendy! Give me back my Megamans!" I yelled until I saw her take out a knife and put it to Megaman's throat. "Wendy, that's plantinum Megaman! Don't! Ok, here's your hat back!"

Wendy smiled. "I won't do it if you promise to stop bitching about me. That's all you seem to do, Cartman."

I shook my head. "No deal, Wendy! I'll trash you if I want to! You don't tell me what to do, bitch!"

Wendy put her hands on her hips. "Cartman, we have to work together to get out of this mess! You're being a stupid pig!"

I threw seagull poop at Wendy's face. "You like my wrath, Wendy? Respect my authoritah! Bow down and worship me, Wendy!"

Wendy glared even harder. "You bastard! I'm GOING to knock your FATASS--"

WT got in front of both of us. "Alright, that's enough of the bitchin'! You two fight like lovers, why don't you two just go out already?"

Wendy and I read each other's minds. "NO!"

WT laughed. "I think you two are meant to be. I can already kinda see it."

Oh my god, I so wanted to slap WT. What the hell does a scarecrow know about dating? He's dead wrong! I want nothing to do with Wendy! We don't get along and we have different views on stuff! How could that ever work? It's both her fault mostly and WT's for getting us screwed on this island! Now we would have to sleep on rocks, eat fruits all the damn time, and be out in the stupid sun all day long! That was not what I wanted to do. What I WANTED to do was be at home curled up to my nice warm Mr. Kitty watching Terence and Phillip fart or watch Jackass! I bet you Kyle wished this horrible accident on me! That damn Jew, he's probably celebrating!

WT and Wendy got logs and palm tree leaves and began building huts. I just sat there and watched them, it was too damn hot to work. I watched Wendy closely and got up after seeing that she was building her hut completely wrong! I got up next to her and tripped her and began building it myself. She sat there and just watched me complete her hut. It looked way better than when she tried to do it and I bet she was hella jealous it came out that way. She just sat there and looked at the ocean. WT got his hut done as he built another one for storing food and other shit. I didn't think it was needed but whateva, he can do as he pleases.

Wendy looked at me. "Cartman, we're sharing a hut! You better keep it clean or else!"

"Oh that's weak! WT! Was this your idea? What did you say to Wendy?"

WT smiled. "I told her that you was concerned about her a lot. She liked that a whole lot!"

I sighed. "I guess that's ok. Don't think I like you, Wendy. I can't stand you!"

WT picked up a weird looked crate which was loaded with dynamite! He lit a match. "Hey guys, I found my smokes! I didn't know I ordered the extra large kind! I'm goin' to smoke it now!"

Wendy and I leaped for the box. "NO!"

A huge explosion filled the island. WT went liked two hundred feet in the air! Wendy looked at me and pointed to the destroyed huts. I just wanted to stick WT in the fire and just watch him burn. I'm surprised the dynamite didn't kill him. It should've! He was stupider than I thought, he must be on too many medications or something to make that stupid mistake. Everyone knows dynamite is red, even Megaman himself knows! WT though it was cigarettes, that is lame, lame, lame, and more lame added on an enchilada. Man, I can't wait to see what other stupid things, WT gets himself into.

Wendy just smiled. "I guess we have to start over. That's the only thing we can really do."

"WHAT?!?! I'm starving here, Wendy! We need to find food and bring it hyah!"

Wendy shook her head. "No, Cartman. The shelter comes first, it's almost sunset and we have to build before night!"

I sighed. We serioulslah lacked leadership in this group. WT got the logs and leaves and started over from square one. I just wanted to go home and leave the two of them. Wendy went to go gather flowers as I ran after her. I don't know why I did! I didn't tell my feet to move and they moved on their own! Well, it beats the crap out of helping WT build the huts over. He can do that himself.

OOO

We were getting ready for bed when Wendy sat up and looked at me. She crossed her legs. Goddamn it, she needed to piss! I threw the blankets that I found on the plane over my head. I wasn't taking her to the bathroom. I ignored her. She shook me so hard I began cursing at her every time she did it but it didn't matter. She kept going. I sat up.

"Go ask WT to escourt you to the forest! I'm too tired to walk thyah now!"

Wendy looked at me. "He passed out hours ago! Didn't you see the huge amount of vodka he drank? I never seen a scarecrow drink so hard. He threw up too."

I sighed and turned my back. "Wendy, you can go out by yourself. Just do it, no one will see you."

She whimpered. "Cartman, I'm scared. Can you watch--"

"EWWW! Ey! I'm not watching you do that! I'm not a perv, Wendy! You're a sick little girl, aren't you?"

Wendy growled. "I didn't say it like that! I just wanted you to watch my back so nothing bad happens to me."

I sighed in frustration as I got up. "Alright...Come on, let's get this over with..."

Wendy smiled. "Cartman, my feet are killing me? Can you carry me there, please?"

I went livid. "Fine! Don't expect me to do this again. I'm only doing this because wild animals live out there!"

Wendy jumped into my arms willingly as I walked out of the hut. She looked at me as I tried my best to get myself to the forest. Wendy kept telling me to hurry up. I ran as fast as I could and I was getting too tired. She should just piss herself, I'd like to see her do that. I'd laugh for days knowing she did that. We got to the forest as I put her down, she didn't move. I grabbed her arm and lead to a spot where she could do it and she came running back out. She was complaining that it was too dark and too this. She didn't have a choice and I sure didn't want to see her do it. She needed to go before I left her there.

"Wendy, just squat and do it. That's how girls do it." I replied. "I'm sure you've done it before."

"Yeah but it's awkward...."

"Wendy! It's dark, it's not like the whole world will see your cha-cha! Just go already!"

She sighed. "Ok, ok, ok. I'll go, turn your back Cartman. I have too poop too."

I snickered. "Wendy has to shit! On my god, I told you that airline food is crap!"

I looked out into the ocean as I waited for Wendy to finish. I walked around for a little bit until she came to find me wide eyed. What the hell happened this time? It's like she saw a murder or something. She ran to me and hugged me. Talk about invasion of space! I hated being that close to....Wait...No, I find it comforting...Yeah...Wendy is so soft....She feels like Mr. Kitty. Oh man, I love that soft feeling. Her hair was beautiful too....A midnight black....so pretty and sexy...WAIT! I didn't say that! I-I swear! It doesn't count if your thinking it! I pushed Wendy off of me and backed away from her.

She seemed annoyed. "Cartman! You aren't supposed to do that to a lady! You're supposed to comfort me!"

I turned my back. "Wendy, you need no comforting from me. That's Stan job!"

Wendy stopped stiff. She looked away from me. "He's not good at that sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if it was a good idea to be with Stan...He seems like he doesn't know what love is...Cartman I..."

I stopped. "You're meaning to tell me he's not a good boyfriend? Is that it?"

Wendy sighed. "Well....Sometimes I feel like I should try something new...Someone more up on the scale..."

I began to get excited. I'd love to take Wendy off Stan's hands and see him get jealous. It's time it happened anyway. I suddnely felt old feelings coming back. I had liked Wendy for awhile but then Stan got his hands all over her and I missed my chance. I only kissed Wendy because I wanted to make Stan jealous but after she went back to him, I was lonely and sad over it. I would look at Wendy sometimes and think "Goddamn, she's hot." other times it would be "I hate you so much, Wendy." I was just so confused...Goddamn it! Why does love have to be complicated?!?! No wonder people get divorced and cheat all the time!

"Wendy. How high on the scale are we talking?"

She smiled. "I don't know, maybe someone like you..." She giggled. "You're so funny, Cartman. You should've seen your face when I was about to murder Megaman!" She laughed more. "You said cha-cha!"

I grinned a little. "Well, my mahm taught me that girls have cha-cha's and boys have whodillys." I paused. "Cha-Cha!"

Wendy began laughing. "Say it again!"

I cleared my throat. "Cha-Cha! Cha-Cha! Cha-Cha! Megaman's hidden Cha-Cha!"

Wendy fell on the floor dying. What was so funny about a cha-cha? Seriouslah, my mahm taught me to say that. I don't get why it's so funny to her. Maybe it's how I say it or something. Man, Wendy is freaking me out a little bit. Maybe WT slipped her some of that vodka. Oh man, that's bad. Wendy was still dying as I started laughing a little bit. I didn't know she found me so amusing. It kind of made me feel good....WAIT! That's not it....It's not......Oh I don't know, I give up with you people! Wendy recovered from laughing as she found a mango on the ground. I grabbed it from her.

"No, Wendy. I saw it first. Get your own mango!"

She gave it to me, no questions asked. "Here, you have it. I'll starve, you said it yourself...You come first."

I dropped the mango. "No, that's ok. See, there's another one over there. Take that one."

She walked over to it. "Thanks Cartman. Umm....Can I ask you something?"

I sighed. "Wendy, I'm too tired. We have to get back."

Wendy looked away. ".....Ok."

We walked back to the hut. I looked at Wendy who looked like she was about to cry. What did I do this time? It's always my fault when something went wrong. I stopped and Wendy continued pass me. She sat away from the bed until I figured out why she was so upset. I took all the blankets for myself. She looked at the blanket and then at me then at the blanket. It was starting to making feel sorray, damn it! I hated feeling like I owed someone something. Wendy then flashed me a cute look so cute, it hurt my eyes and gave me an eye infection! I was so pissed that she did that to me. Now I had to bother WT for his medicine when he woke up. I began itching my eyes like crazy. God it hurt.

"OK! OK! Here, Wendy. Take some of the blankets! I was only kidding!" I yelled. "You gave me an eye infection, you bitch!"

Wendy smiled. "Thanks, Cartman."

Wendy put her head on the ground and began sleeping. I went to go close my eyes and I heard deep growling nearby.

"W-Wendy....W-Wendy." I said as I shook her. "There's a monster out there!"

I went outside to only see WT with a sheet over his head moaning and carrying on! Damn it! What's wrong with that scarecrow? He must've had too much vodka. Seriouslah, he drank like ten bottles in one time. He was seriously messed up. He thought Wendy was his daughter and he thought I was the FBI. Man, he was helllla-mega-ultra-super drunk! He had a machete in his hands and began hacking away at the fire until he caught on fire.

I just went back to bed. Getting involved would've made me too tired.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2- "Greedy"**

_"Week 6"_ I wrote in my journal, _"__WT said he would go hunting but he didn't do that, no, he lied to me. Yes, he lied to me. I've been starving for some of the chickens we have on the island but he hasn't gone to do it yet, no, we're all starving. Yeah, we're all starving....ALL STARVING!"_

I put my journal away. WT was farming crops and vegetables. The piece of shit was supposed to go hunting! I'm starving my ass off for days because all I've eaten is nothing but mangoes, grapes, something orange and brown that was prickly that I call, Kennysop and just more exotic fruits. I wanted meat now and trust me they all would pay a price for letting me be off a meat for so long. I was so damn hungry!

I began eating a Kennysop when WT walked over. "I'm goin' huntin' today, the weather is good so I'll get to killin' those chickens."

I sighed angerily. "You said...YOU SAID you'd do it two weeks ago! I'm tired of eating Kennysop and mangoes all the time!"

WT got his spear. "Well, I'm goin' now. Shucks, Cartman. Aren't you ever patient?"

Wendy shook her head. "You haven't known him long enough...be warned..."

I threw a Kennysop at Wendy. She glared as I smiled innocently. I was just playing with her, she takes things so seriously. Wendy went back to the hut to fix it after the big storm we had a couple nights ago. She seemed so into the interior decorating that I just let her do it anyway she wanted. No wonder, it turned into a girly house. I should've done some of it, damn it! WT always laughed at it too, and his kept falling down every few days.

I looked more closely at the Kennysop. It turned into Kenny's head and began laughing. I shook my head and then it turned back into a Kennysop again. Man, it must be the stupid sun making me see shit! Why did I name it after Kenny? Oh yeah, I got in a huge fight with him before I left because I shit in his bed, broke his TV, and ate all his Mcdonalds. Ey! Stop telling me that Kenny doesn't deserve it! He does and he's got to man up, he dies too easily!

Wendy looked at me weird. "Cartman, the Kennysop is not Kenny. Man, you're crazier than I thought."

I glared. "I'm not crazay, bitch! Wendy, go fetch me some more Kennysops! Now!"

Wendy sighed. "I think you're eating too many. We should save the Kennysops, I don't think anyone has discovered this kind of fruit yet."

"I'll eat as much Kennysops as I want. Now, go get me more!"

WT came back with a cage full of roast chicken. "There you go, Cartman. I killed and roasted them but we only--"

I began eating the chicken. Mmmm....Chicken... It was so good to eat again! I didn't realize I was on the second big chicken and I tore up that one until we were on the last roast chicken. Wendy and WT looked at each other in shock as I looked at the last chicken in a hungry way. Wendy took her guard and WT was ready to jump for it. I could tell that they were starving. I jumped on the chicken and guarded it. I deserved the last piece, I'd live the longest anyway. They needed to feed me more.

WT growled. "Goshdang, Cartman! I killed five of those things and you ate four of 'em?"

I scoffed. "Pfff...Yeah. You guys waited too late to feed me. Serves both of you right."

WT sighed. "Well, Wendy. Looks like I'll have to go huntin' tomorrow mornin' again."

Wendy couldn't believe it. "That....That....Fatass ate our food?!?! Cartman, that was supposed--"

I yelled at Wendy. "I'll do whateva I want! If you're so high and mighty, go kill a boar, Wendy!"

Wendy stopped stiff. "If I do it....WT and I get eight-five percent of the kill. You get fifteen. Deal?"

Ey! That's not fair but she's on. I want to see her kill a boar because we saw five of them the other day. They're hard to kill, I'd love to see her try. Yeah! I would! She's probably going to hurt herself and that's fine. I haven't been able to torture anyone else lately, so, I guess I have to settle for this. Wendy decided to try in three days to kill a boar. I still laughed so hard, she was going to kill herself and it would make me so happy to see that. That damn, bitch! She thought she could do it all and that was starting to bug me! I had the worst plan ever and that was steal the boar meat during the night and eat ALL of it! Yeaaaah!

I looked at Wendy. "Sorray, Wendy. I changed my mind...The Boar meat is now eighty-five percent mine!"

Wendy glared. "WHAT?!?! You fat piece of fucking lard! You would do that! You just want to see me suffer, right?!?!"

WT glared. "Cartman! That ain't right! You ate off all my chickens, you need to share with us!"

I turned away. "NO! I told myself I would be the last survivor! I'm tired of eating Kennysop all the time!"

WT grabbed me and looked at me. "You listen here, Cartman! We're all in this mess together, that mean we do things like a democracy!"

I began laughing. Eric Theordore Cartman doesn't do democracy! He does dictatorship and....and...Um, what's the other forms of government that involves one person? Whateva....I like having all the control. I hate democracy! It shouldn't be like that. This is an island, it should be every man for theirselves! It always goes wrong when people want to work together. Sure, it doesn't look that way now but Wendy could snap and WT could be roasting in the fire! Even I'm in danger too if she snaps or WT decides to get his "Southern blood" going! We were fine now but you never know what could happen next.

Wendy shook her head. "I'm not killing the boar anymore. Something tells me you'll eat it all because you're so damn greedy!"

I glared. "I'm not greedy! I just...just...need more that other people do! I just like having things--"

Wendy mocked me. "I'm Eric Cartman, I love to rip my friends off, be a jerk, and sit on my lazy ass all day with cheesy poofs!"

I looked back stiffly at Wendy. "What did YOU just say, Wendy?!?! Say it again!"

Wendy walked away. "Oh, I said nothing. Whatever, Cartman."

I sat on a rock as I saw my suitcase wash ashore. MY CELLPHONE! Oh my god, we're saved! We're saved! I ripped open my suitcase to see that my cellophone was safe from harm. It still worked too! I decided to call Kenny...Ey! I'm not going call Kyle or Stan! No way! I'll Kenny because he might be worried about me, I hope. I kind of burned too many bridges with Kenny...I don't care! I'm calling him!

I dialed my cellphone. "Come on, Kenny...Pick up...pick up....Come on, Kenny! Is looking at that porn magazine that important?!?!"

Finally, I got through to Kenny. _"......................Hello...............Who the fuck is this?"_

I got so excited. "Kenny! It's Cartman, you've got to help me......I got stuck on an island......I don't where I am and.....and....I need your help.....Kenny! PLEASE?"

Kenny went silent then he spoke. _"Umm....You've been gone for six weeks, dude. Did your fatass destroy the plane?"_

I growled. "No shit, Kenny! It's not my fault, it's Wendy's! Now, you need to send a rescue helicopter and more food--"

Kenny sounded angry. _"You ate my food, you fatass! Man, you deserve what you got!"_

I got pissed. "Yeah, and you deserve all the bad crap that happens to you because you're so poor! Kenny, just help me!"

Kenny sighed. _"I expect a big reward this time....You owe me...."_

I hated owing people. "Fine....How about I be your slave for three weeks, deal?"

Kenny paused. _"No way dude, that and fifty bucks! Deal?"_

I couldn't believe Kenny! He was arguing with me! He was making this so hard for me! I knew why, it was because I was mean to him before I went on this vacation. Again, I burned too many bridges with Kenny all the time. I knew he'd be super pissed about the shit I put in his bed, he swore revenge after that and I never saw him like that before. He wanted some real revenge with me. I didn't care at all, he was poor and you know what Kenny deserved all of the bad stuff that happened to him. It's is fault and Kenny can sit in his own shit! Even if Kenny doesn't want to help me, we'll do fine without him!

I sighed long and hard. "Alright, you win. It's a deal. Just save me, ok? Don't save WT or Wendy. Just me!"

Kenny disagreed with me. _"No way, we have to save everybody. It's only fair, dude. I don't want to be sued!"_

Kenny was pissing me off. "FINE! We're off the coast of Malaysia or somewhere in Asia....I don't know...Please send help, Kenny......

Kenny sighed. _"Let me talk to, Wendy. Since it's her fault, let me talk to her."_

I growled. "SCREW YOU, KENNY! You fucking poor perverted nasty rat! I don't want them knowing!"

The receiver clicked. NOOOOOOOO! Kenny hung up on me! NOOOO! I dialed back Kenny's phone number and only got his voice-mail. Man! I was so stupid to burn another bridge with him again! I shouldn't have! Kenny could've saved us all! It didn't matter, he'd send help as soon as he got over all this. I promise he will, he just needed time. I knew he'd hold something against me, I guess he finally snapped this time. Well, he's starting to man up now. I give him credit for setting me straight but it isn't enough. Kenny has a lot more tests to pass before he impresses me.

Wendy ran over to me. "Hey, that's a cellphone! Cartman, call Stan! Call anyone! We can be rescued!"

I put the cellphone above her head. "I already called, Kenny. He said, he'll alert the authorities and--"

Wendy knew it was a lie. "Cartman, you're so mean to Kenny! He probably won't do it until a few days from now because he's pissed. I heard how you're negotiation went. He got mad."

I kicked the sand in Wendy's eyes. "Why are you taking Kenny's side?!?! You damn, bitch!"

Wendy wiped the sand out her eyes and began fighting me for the phone. She snapped, oh man she snapped. We rolled around and began cursing eachother out as Wendy punched my face and as I ripped her shirt at the side. We continued rolling until we reached the edge of the smalll hill near the ocean. Wendy kicked me off her, and ran for the phone as I jumped on her and grabbed the phone and taunted her. Wendy got me into a "mercy" postion as we battle for the phone. The thunder crashed across the sky as the wind began to pick up. We were getting a storm.

WT ran towards us. "Damage that phone and we'll never get off! Stop bitchin' and actin' up like wild bulls!"

Wendy and I continued fighting until we reached the end of the hill. I held the cellphone over the hill.

"Wendy. If you hit me again, I'm dropping this and I mean it!" I yelled. "Your choice, you friggin bitch!"

Wendy still fought me for the phone. "You damn selfish, pig! We need it to get off this island! Don't do this, Cartman!"

I laughed evily. "Ohhh, I wouldn't drop the phone....No, I would!" I still held the phone over the cliff.

Wendy jumped for the phone. "CARTMAN! Don't test me! Give me the phone and we'll call it even!"

I ignored orders and dropped the phone. "Oh, looks like we don't have any hope anymore. It's up to Kenny to save us now! He won't do shit now that he's pissed!"

Wendy looked over the edge to see the cellphone shattered into pieces. She let out a high pitched scream that shook the whole island as WT fell in the mud in disappointment. The thunder cracked as I forced Wendy to bow in front of me.

"Bow down to me, Wendy! I'm your god, now!"

Wendy began to cry. "Yes, you're my god, Cartman. You're my god!"

I laughed evilly as Wendy high pitched crying interrupted me. She ran into the hut and buried her face as she cried. I finally got to them now. I hope they know not mess with ERIC THEORDORE CARTMAN! I was their god now! I laughed and laughed until WT lost his nerve and hit me over the head with an empty keg barrel. I could tell that I basically made enemies now and it didn't matter to me. Cartman does what Cartman wants!

Trust me, all the hope we had was Kenny. I doubt he would come through.

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**Cartman is getting kind of evil, huh? That's Chapter 2. Please R&R.**


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3- "Cute"**

After I dropped the cellphone. WT and Wendy didn't speak to me for weeks, they wanted nothing to do with me. Wendy decided to go gather pomegranates and berries as I decided to follow her. You know, I was getting bored on the island. I wanted to know Wendy better and so I followed her to go gather the fruits. She was going to bitch since I was evil but it didn't matter, I needed something to do.

I sat in front of a palm tree as she walked by. "Hey, Wendy. Mind if we talk about something?"

She glared. "Go to hell, Cartman. I really don't want to talk to you! You could've saved us all and you didn't!"

I grabbed the basket. "Well now, I have the basket. You either do it or I'll...I'll keep bugging you!"

I watched for Wendy's response. She gave in and decided to have me help her look for fruits. She looked so down and....EY! Why is she making me feel sorray? Damn emotions! I shouldn't feel sorry! Damn empathy! I looked on the ground and looked back at Wendy who heard me arguing with myself. She looked at me weird and then began to snicker. She snickered again then stopped.

"I thought you were mad at me." I replied. "Wendy, you can't send mixed signals like that, you'll get in trouble."

Wendy sighed. "Well, I want to be mad then I can't." She sighed. "Look, WT is still pretty pissed but I guess I could let it go...maybe."

I walked closer to Wendy as I put my hands through her hair. "A pretty girl like yourself shouldn't be mad....I think I can--"

Wendy backed away a little. "C-Cartman.....Do you feel, ok? Don't tell me you smoked some of WT's stash! I think you're sick!"

Cartman smiled. "I'm fine, Wendy! I was just worried. Geez, can't a guy be worried about something?"

Wendy backed away a little. I smiled mischeiveously and followed her. "I'm following you, Wendy. Stop running away from me!"

Wendy began snickering and laughing as I followed her. She turned into a game of tag as I chased after her. I finally caught up to her but I stopped in my tracks. Her hair was so beautiful when she ran. I-I....It's just so beautiful. I just needed a minute to look at it for awhile then I went back to chasing her. She ran where the ocean was and watching her jump in the ways made my heart be faster. Goddamn it, she's got me! Why does it have to be Wendy? I mean, I really wasn't interested and now I am. God, Love is so tricky.

Wendy looked at me. "Cartman, you've been watching me."

"So?" I replied. "I don't have anything else to watch, I'm bored!"

She giggled. "Are you sure you don't like me, or something?"

I froze. The way she said it, was....so....so...soo...cute...I must be sicker than I thought because she made it sound cute....I felt my cheeks go red. Wendy noticed as she stroked my cheeks. Damn it, I'm the one sending mixed signals! I don't want to show these crappy emotions and I was! I must've had brain surgery overnight or something because I didn't like Wendy this intensely before and now I do. WT must've done my surgery while he was high off his ass. No wonder I'm not right.

"Look, Wendy...." I began. "I don't like you that way, I don't think were collateral."

"Compatable, Cartman. What makes you say that? Am I not good enough for you?"

Damn it, why was she being stubborn? "No....It's just that we have different political views. It wouldn't work out..."

Wendy just laughed. "Oh Cartman, I wouldn't say that. Maybe if you weren't so mean, I'd like you more."

I felt myself get hot. I wasn't angry, I was amused by Wendy. "Welll......I kind of have to be mean. If you're too nice, you get walked all over and stuff. I just like having power."

Wendy laughed. "I kind of like when you're aggressive...." She blocked her mouth. "....Cartman, don't--"

I smiled. "Welllll now...Tripping over words, I see? Came out the wrong way, I guess?"

Out of nowhere I heard WT. "KISS ALREADY! HOOK UP ALREADY!"

I looked at Wendy who looked at me wide eyed. Maybe this was becoming more complicated than we all thought. Wendy walked away as I just stood there. Um, is ok to say that I have no idea what happened?

It was so complicated, more complicated than my hatred of hippies, more complicated than Stan liking Wendy and now the love triangle that I've created. It was no use being in denial when I could my feelings for Wendy getting more intense.

Why couldn't Wendy be a hippie? It would be easier. I just couldn't hate her anymore.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4- "Damn it Wendy, I Care!"**

Another week to a month, four more weeks...Oh goddamn it, I give up! I lost track of time and I knew Kenny wouldn't leave me hanging like this. He probably has called the authorities, they just can't find the stupid island! I don't know how much longer we would be here but Wendy caught a bad fever and WT and I had to take care of her.

Wendy was just so sick.

I petted her hair. "Wendy, you haven't touched anything in days. Aren't you hungry?"

Wendy looked at me. "....I want to eat but..." She began coughing. "I can't, I'll puke it all up again."

WT tried to get Wendy to eat. "Come on, sugar. You haven't eaten anything in two days now."

Wendy shook her head. "No. That's ok, I don't want anything."

I couldn't accept that. "Wendy, I'm worried about you. You barely eat anything. You've got to eat."

Wendy began reaching for the bowl of mangoes as I peeled two. I cut small bits and tried feeding her as she took small bites. WT began feeding her the rest. She stopped WT after the first mango was finished and he walked out of the hut. I knew he would do that, he's been itching for some romance to happen on the island. Which does not include Wendy and me, really it doesn't! I'm not denying anything, goddamn it! What's wrong with you people?!?! Don't you have other things to worry about instead of wondering if Wendy and I will get together?!?!"

I stared at Wendy. "Um...Wendy, I need to come clean about something. This has been bothering me for awhile now."

Wendy sat up. "What is it, Cartman?" She was really interested now. "What's--"

My eyes wouldn't move away from hers. "Is Stan who you really want? It seems you're not sure about him."

Wendy sighed. "Well...There is a problem now, Cartman."

My eyes widened. "What did I do now?"

"Exactly, it's what you've done to me. I'm attracted to you, Cartman."

I crossed my arms. "Wait a damn minute, Wendy! The last time you were "supposedly" interested in me, it was only sexual tension that time! What the hell is going on here?"

Wendy looked so sad. "I'm so sorry, Cartman but my feelings changed. I want you now, Stan isn't who I want."

It was the truth. She didn't want Stan, I could tell by the look in eye about it. She seemed way more interested in me. I could tell, Wendy wanted me around a lot more ever since she got sick. She wanted me by her bedside and she wanted me to cuddle with her at night now.

It was such a shock to me because I thought we wouldn't work out at all.

"Wendy." I looked straight into her eyes. "You sure this is the truth? This isn't sexual tension again is it?"

Wendy sat up. "No." she smiled. "I want you, Cartman but how do I tell Stan that it's over? It'll break his heart."

I felt so awful for taking Stan's girl. "Well, he's going to have to hear it. I don't want to see Stan break down and cry but he has to hear the truth, Wendy. Keeping secrets are deadly, babe."

Wendy stopped stiff. "B-Babe? I'm you're babe, Cartman?" She blushed. "I didn't think you found me that--"

I moved closer. "You're my babe now, Wendy. Can I make-out with you?"

Wendy laughed. "I'm sick and feeling like such shit, Cartman. You'll get my fever and stuff."

I frowned. "Goddamn it, I really was excited about it!"

Wendy smiled. "When I'm better ok plus you'd be pissed if I gave you my fever."

WT held his head down and frowned. "Perfect moment ruined! Y'all should've done it anyway! I want see some action!"

I put my hands on my hips. "WT! This isn't a porno flick, damn it! Why are you so interested in our relationship?"

WT told me that he just wanted to see some action as I argued with him. Wendy began laughing because I guess it looked weird that I was picking a fight with a scarecrow. It would look weird to anyone because the scarecrow would win, he would just sit there and take it and smile at you knowing that he did win. WT still went on and on how precious love is and it made him sound like a hopless romantic.

WT sighed. "Cartman. I've had two divorces and my third wife died this month." WT sat down. "That's why I drink so much...I want to quit you know but when you're drunk...you don't feel the pain as much."

Wendy looked at WT. "You miss her, don't you?"

WT sighed. "Yeah. I just want you two to work out. You know, you two acted a lot like us when we were gettin' to know each other. Except, she was Cartman and I was Wendy." WT began laughing. "She was the meanest woman this side of Tennessee! Whenever the men would hear, _"Carina Beckston"_ the bars would clear out, shops closed up early, and the men went home. Yes sir, she's my wild third wife. I hear it was all the cheatin' in her previous affairs why she came out that way. Shoot, I promised myself I'd never tell that story but I just wanted you guys to hear it."

Wendy laughed so hard at the story as I began laughing myself. WT was a great storyteller, he'd been all over the place and his stories could be so funny you died laughing to so sad you'd cry so much. I loved hearing his stories. He'd tell them whenever we worked on our huts, went hunting, walked around the island, or when were just so bored.

WT walked to over to Wendy. "Now, you need to eat up, darlin'." WT laughed. "I'll tell you, when Carina used to burn everythin' for dinner, she'd curse to hell and when she got sick she'd curse to hell. Man, wildest woman I've ever met."

Wendy began laughing. I was so glad. She barely smiled when she came down with her fever. Wendy didn't lie when she said she felt like shit because she looked like it too, in the sick way not the offensive way. One time, she tried to get herself out of bed and she fell. She was so weak, she couldn't get herself back up to get into bed.

It was so awful and I felt so bad. I don't normally feel bad for my enemies but Wendy wasn't my enemy anymore. She was my crush or lover now I guess. We weren't enemies anymore in politics or whateva it was. She's a feminist and I'm not.

Wendy began picking at the mango. Then she began eating more of really fast. "More, more, give me more!"

WT smiled. "Well I'll be, she's hungry again. I'll go get her some smoked fish. I'll be back, alright lovebirds?"

WT went to get his spear and went west to go hunt for fish. It was just Wendy and me. Oh damn it, why did WT have to leave? Now I'd have to talk to Wendy on how we would make this work and other stuff. I wasn't the best talker on love but Wendy has been in a relationship. She'll have to help me if this is going to work.

I began slowly. "Alright, Wendy. Since you're my girlfriend now, wow...um...." I paused for a long time. "Um......Let's see....."

Wendy began to help me. "You want us to see each other more, right? You want us too hold hands, you want us to draw hearts of our names on our stuff, you want us to go to each other's houses, and other stuff, right?"

Wow, she's good. "Yeah....All of what you said. Um......I love you, Wendy."

Wendy laughed. "I won't have to bow down to God Cartman again will I?"

I got annoyed. "Damn it, Wendy! I care! I don't want you to do that again, I feel terrible over it, ok?!?! You need to help me and not criticize me so much! I'm not good at this!"

Wendy gave me a cute look. "Hey, Cartman." She reached into her bag. "I have all these sugar cookies but I couldn't possibly eat all twenty of these. That's too many calories..."

I stared at the sugar cookies. ".......Give me! Wendy, you share those with me right now! Come on, Wendy!" She began making me beg and try to reach for it, damn it! "Wendy, don't starve me! Come on we can share those!

Wendy took them back. "Not until you say that I'm beautiful, Cartman."

I froze. "Um......Uh....Um...Y-You're beautiful, Wendy. You're so sexy!" I covered my mouth. "Now, Wendy...That shouldn't have come out...I-I..I-I..Oh.."

Wendy screamed with excitement. "It's official you're my boyfriend! Come here, Cartman!"

Wendy jumped on me as we fell on her bed and wildly made-out. Man, Wendy could kiss! She was all over me! I tried my best with the kissing but I've never done it this ways so I tried using my tongue like Kenny said how to do it. He said to wrap it around her's like I was licking ice-cream and touch her boobs....Oh wait! That was for sex, Kenny told me not to try that, he said to wait until we were serious....He said a couple years or so....then he would tell me how to do the rest. You know what, thank god for Kenny! Thank you so much god for making Kenny a dirty-minded friend! Thank god for Kenny!

Wendy smiled and then she broke away from me. ".........I'm sorry Cartman! I don't know what came over me...I-I was...."

I grabbed her closer. "Damn, Wendy...I didn't know you were such a wild girl! You couldn't wait to do this, could you?"

She fell over. "Oh damn, I forgot that I'm so weak...I shouldn't have done that."

I picked up Wendy and put her in bed. "Ok, you need to seriouslah rest, ok? You can't be a wild woman like that and you're sick but I'll be waiting for when she attacks again."

Wendy laid back in bed as she felt my hands go around her waist. She smiled. She wanted some cuddling so I gave it to her so she'd feel better and I think she already is. WT came back to see that bed was a mess and Wendy and I were lying together. He almost thought that we had sex but he then his emotions changed.

He knew that we had made-out.

He threw down his straw hat and began imitatinghis wife. "GOSHDANG IT! I missed it! Damn it! I missed the action! Shucks! Shit! Dang it! Cowpatties! Goddamn it! Shucks! **S**ugar **H**oney **I**ced **T**ea! **F**ire **U**nder **C**raptastical **K**ite! Dang it! Horseshit! Shit! Shit! And more shit with bullshit! Shucks!"

Wendy and I couldn't believe WT. He sweared so much in one time until he was out of breath practically but he acted just like his wife when something didn't go right. WT walked to his hut and I guess he decided to go make the smoked fish for Wendy but I knew now that he missed the moment, he'd be watching out for when he could catch us making out again.

Wendy and I hid under the covers as we began laughing. We had never seen WT so mad but it was so funny how he was leaping in the air cursing while he threw his hands around in such passion. I've never seen someone curse like that but Kyle when he found out I fucked up both his TV and his room looking to see if had money but the way WT did it was more passionate! Oh my god, I almost pissed myself laughing over that!

I turned to Wendy who turned to me. I can't believe I was getting lost in the world of love. Part of me didn't want anything to do with it but Wendy made the other part me want it so much more. It wasn't about my greed anymore. I wanted to make sure WT survived and Wendy especially Wendy since I loved her so much.

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**That's Chapter 4. Pretty funny, huh? Lol. Please R&R**


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